I assumed I would avoid it altogether because I nabbed an awesome job straight out of school, but the truth is now that I’m all settled in I’m starting to think, “Now what?”

Not so much in terms of my job – I have more than enough to do and the company has a The Sky’s the Limit mentality – but in terms of my life. Until about three months ago, I was working toward some very important milestones in my life. I had full control. I knew if I did A and B I would eventually get to C.

OK. So I got to C. But now I’m panicking a little bit because there are no prescribed steps to take to get to another place in life. I could potentially do anything, so I’m left feeling a bit paralyzed and I do nothing instead.

Except when I’ve had a few drinks and the paralysis melts away and I feel like I can actually do anything, so I do, but I don’t think about the consequences first. And when that feeling finally returns I find myself even more “stuck” because I’m embarassed for losing control, for being irresponsible, for appearing unprofessional. Sometimes I don’t even need a few drinks; I just feel a bit sassy and try to get away with things I never even would have thought about doing, say, a year ago.

Where there used to be clear paths to follow and distinct lines drawn in the sand never to cross, there seems to now be only greyness and uncertainty. Not to be over-dramatic, but in certain situations I find myself having a hard time telling the difference between right and wrong. I often ask friends and family for advice, but none of them seem to know the answers either.

So, here I am, a little confused, mucking things up … putting some things away which have been bothering me for a while and digging up new ones.

I known I need to set goals for myself and work toward them, but I have no idea what those goals should be. I know I want to move back to Toronto, but I have no idea when the right time should be or how much of my debt I should pay off before devoting nearly half of my income to rent. I know I want to meet new people and maybe even date some of them casually, but I have no idea where these people are or how to meet them.

This all sounds very vague, I know. But it’s kind of how I feel right now. Vague. Bleh.

I woke up late. Left the apartment late. OK, that’s not so stange, but I forgot my glasses and didn’t realize until I was already on the subway.

I was sitting across from a well-dressed, well-groomed man probably in his late 20s or early 30s. He looked professional, wearing a pea coat, dress pants and black leather dress shoes.

But he was laughing. He was alone, reading Metro and laughing hysterically. It started under his breath, then it grew into quiet snickers and then he was full-out laughing at whatever he was reading. I didn’t grab a copy of Metro today, but I can’t imagine what was so funny.

The weirdest thing was nobody else seemed to notice he was laughing. I found it hard to keep a straight face while watching him, yet no one else was even looking his way.

Then I got on the bus. I sat facing the back doors, which were open. Then this three-legged dog hops toward the bus and gets on ahead of her owner, who’s a young woman about the same age as me.

How often do you see a three-legged dog?

And then Clare and I went to the bank at lunch to pull out some cash for food, and there was a creepy doll sitting in the window which had either been left behind by a child or, judging by the water trapped inside her plastic body, found in a snowbank which had recently melted.

She was almost like a Barbie, but she was South Asian, wore a blue sari and definitely didn’t share Barbie’s horrifying body shape.

Almost out of instinct I picked it up and looked at her more closely (maybe because I wasn’t wearing my glasses).

I feel like somehow all of these things are tied together, but that it’s going to take me weeks or even months to figure out what it all means.

Probably not, but that’s how it happens in the movies anyway.