When will I be strong enough?
May 29, 2009 | Filed under The Real World
This is the time of year when I take stock of my life, the people in it, my achievements, my failures, my responsibilities, and try to make some sense of where I’m going. Many people do this at New Year’s, but because of my mom, I do it during the month of May.
In 2004, that month was so turbulent, so difficult, so life-changing, it still affects me now, five years later. Well, it will be five years on Saturday, May 30.
In a lot of ways, I still haven’t really dealt with her death. I’m not even sure what that means, and for all I know I’ve done everything I should have done, but I still cry, I still shake, I still get angry and sad. I still miss her with every fibre of my being and wonder how my life – all our lives – would be different if she was still alive and well today. Although these things lessen or change somehow each year, I’m certain I will experience them in one form another for the rest of my life.
And it’s also at times like these, when I’ve made and will be making big decisions, and when I reach huge landmarks in my life, that I long for her so I can ask her advice, get her opinion. I wouldn’t genuinely ask anyone else if I was doing the right things, but I know I would ask her.
Was leaving my relationship the best thing for me to do? Was leaving the city I love living in to move back home the best thing for me to do?
Are you proud of me? Everyone says you are, but I’d love to hear it straight from you. Am I the person you thought I’d be when I grew up? Would you do my hair and then cry tears of joy at my commencement ceremony next week?
Would you make me feel like the luckiest, most special girl in the whole world like you used to?
What’s it like where you are? Are you anywhere? Can you even hear me…?
If she was alive, she would probably tell me whatever path I think is the best for me to take is the right one, and I might actually believe her when I can’t even believe myself right now.
And although my heart still hurts, and although my emotions and tears sometimes come rushing back like floodwaters at the mere mention of her, I finally agreed to organize something on her Death Day. (I know most people aren’t comfortable with the word Death, but I am and I can’t think of anything else to call it anyway.)
Every year, my aunt has asked me if I wanted to do something on my mom’s Death Day. Every year I said, “No thanks.” Every year, I let the day pass almost like any other for me, and for everyone else. Just more sad. I think was always afraid whatever we did wouldn’t be special enough and it would somehow be my fault.
I also wasn’t ready to step into her shoes as the centre of the family. I’m still not, but no one else has either. My aunt has taken care of a lot of things my mom used to do, both for my brother and me and other members of our family, but she’s only part of our family by marriage, not blood. I don’t love her any less for it, but I don’t think it would be possible for her to unite our family the way my mom did. Nor do I think she wants to.
This week I finally realized that to truly celebrate my mom and everything she meant to all of us, it doesn’t matter what we do, but rather that we all get together and have a good time. Getting together with family and friends, and just enjoying life together, is what meant the most to her in her life. She often spent her last dime just having fun with us, or her friends and extended family. She loved catching up with everyone and she made everyone feel like they were special because she was having the best time with them.
So, we’re going bowling on Saturday. I wanted to go to bingo (I can’t even tell you how much she loved bingo), but my brother isn’t 18 yet, so we’ll have to go next year. She loved bowling too. A bunch of us are going out for dinner and then to the bowling alley, and I’ll make other plans for Monday with the one important person who can’t make it.
I really hope that if she is somewhere, she smiles and says, “Finally!”
I truly am sorry it took this long, Mom. We love you so much and miss your smile, your laugh, your hugs, your heart, your everything every single day.
Tags: Mom, motherless daughter
Why I’m not an entrepreneur, but I love working for one
May 25, 2009 | Filed under Career
I am not an innovative mind. During university, I excelled at producing pieces of journalism but was mediocre, at best, at thinking up story ideas. And I’ve never really had an idea for a business. Ever.
If someone points me in a direction, I will go at it full throttle without much assistance. What I’ve accomplished happened mostly by me seizing chances and opportunities. The truth is, I probably could have ended up in any number of fields and done fairly well at each of them. Journalism was just one of many possibilities for me, including psychology, graphic design, advertising, web development, photography and more. I considered all those options before I took a leap of faith into journalism.
I don’t believe any of this makes me dumb, unambitious or unsuccessful. I think it just means there are different types of brains which face the world in different ways.
Today, I’m employed by an entrepreneur.
She’s young (but still older than me), she’s smart and she has about a million ideas each day. Since she runs a small business, she wears a lot of hats. She’s not just the president, she’s also the accountant, the public relations rep, the company spokesperson, the manager and a hundred other things. She’s being pulled in every direction at once and, especially as the company grows, has very little time to sit down and perform every small task which allows the business to run from day to day.
And that’s where I come in because I’m more of a do-er and a problem solver. Although by nature Gen Yers like me are multi-taskers and procrastinators, I typically attack tasks in a certain order without really planning to do so and then “wing it” if/when it comes down to crunch time. Everything I do happens in a sort of organized chaotic way that probably only makes sense to me.
I’m also not a Yes (wo)man. I’m not afraid to tell my boss I don’t like one of her ideas, or that I think it needs to be tweaked, or that it doesn’t mesh with our brand, or that it will take way more work than she thinks it will, or whatever. We have a good rapport so I can voice my opinions (respectfully) without fear of retribution.
If or when I ever do stop working for TalentEgg, and if I have to get a job at a big corporation … I think it’s going to be a very hard adjustment. Instead of saying, “Yes, good idea, I didn’t think of that,” my manager would probably say, “Who do you think you are?”
Or, hopefully the TalentEgg Way will be widespread by then and collaborative, laterally structured, Gen Y-friendly workplaces will be more common. A girl can dream.
Tags: "real" jobs, career path, entrepreneur, newspaper industry, TalentEgg
This is your life, this is your digital life
May 19, 2009 | Filed under Career
When I was a teenager, I spent a lot of time on the computer. I developed web pages, wrote stories and poetry, and designed graphics. It wasn’t out of the ordinary for me to spend all night on the computer (and this was before Facebook and Twitter). Sure, I had friends and family and extra-cirricular activities, but I loved doing this kind of stuff.
Well, my wish came true because now I spend every waking moment on a computer working for TalentEgg, updating my blog and, now, designing websites for other people.
My friend Mandy recently registered her fashion design business and had trouble creating a WordPress-powered site which was true to her brand. She was awesome with HTML, say, five to ten years ago, but things have changed a lot since then. I didn’t want her to have a website from 1999 for her business, so I offered to help. Partly because I really do want to help her, but also because the only way to become more familiar with CSS and PHP is to actually trudge through the code myself.
FrankandEffie.com - A work in progress
It’s coming along slowly, but I had to re-code the theme I chose because it didn’t work the way I wanted it to and the code wasn’t organized in a way my brain could process. It should launch within the next few weeks if all goes well.
Lucky for me, there is an endless number of tutorials written by experts and people who have gone through the same issues. It’s not rocket science or brain surgery, it just takes a little research and a lot of patience.
Thank goodness I don’t have a real life right now because it would definitely get in the way of my digital life!
Tags: blog, design, digital life, Frank and Effie, TalentEgg, WordPress
I <3 T.O.
May 17, 2009 | Filed under The Real World
I don’t know to explain it, but whenever I’m in Toronto I feel like I’m home. I don’t even have a place in Toronto anymore, but I can walk around downtown for hours and be completely content. There are some bad memories, but I don’t have to think about them, and there’s something about the hustle-bustle that feeds my soul.
I love my family, but I wasn’t ready to come back home. I don’t know if it was a mistake, but it doesn’t feel like home to me now. Although I ended a romantic relationship, I didn’t end my relationship with the city. My heart is in Toronto and has been for the last 10 years.
Even being in the TalentEgg office again, almost in my old spot, with all the other young, fun people that make the company so amazing, was invigorating and energized me more than I’ve felt in a long time. It was a little surreal and my mind was elsewhere at times, feeling a little sorry for myself that I’m not part of the team every single day.
So, although my first pay cheque is practically already spent and I haven’t even cashed it yet (dresser from Ikea, spay Sahara, pay line of credit and credit cards, hopefully have a bit of fun and buy some clothes I feel good in…), I know my goal is to move to Toronto as soon as it makes financial sense.
I still need to make a budget, decide how much of my student debt I’d like to pay off and then stick to it for a while, but that’s not too hard when I barely leave my house for about a week at a time, the fridge and cupboards are stocked with food and I don’t pay any room and board.
Fingers crossed. Well, actually, it’s not going to involve any luck, just hard work and discipline.
Tags: Cambridge, moving, Toronto
Freshman 15? Try a fourth-year fat suit
May 17, 2009 | Filed under Education, Health
Before I started university, I heard about the infamous Freshman 15 constantly. If you haven’t heard this term before, Freshman 15 refers to weight gain of any amount experienced by first-year post-secondary students thanks to the student lifestyle, which mostly involves fast food and take-out, copious amounts of alcohol, and a lot of sleeping, sitting in class and Facebooking.
First, second and even third year passed without any noticeable weight gain, for most of us. We were just too busy to experience it and, especially for those of us in Toronto, we walked everywhere we had to go.
But as we finished up fourth year, we noticed a lot of us gained some weight – whether it was recently or over the four years is impossible to know – and for me personally, it’s feels like I’m wearing a fat suit some days.
I’ve never been thin, but I can feel the weight I’ve put on recently more than at any other time in my life. And it’s not hard to see why:
I just spent months on computers writing, editing, designing. While I was an editor at The Ryersonian and a reporter at the National Post, I ate at least one meal each day from a food court, cafeteria or the ready-made section in a grocery store. There was no minimum-wage part-time job keeping me on my toes. I worked really long days, squeezing in the fastest, most convenient food when there was time.
I don’t even want to think about how many calories, grams of fat, preservatives, etc. I’ve eaten since January.
A few of my peers, like me, finished up university not being able to fit into their clothes. The future is a depressing enough prospect when we’re not only thrown from cushy university life into the real world, but we have to worry about your career, relationships and all the money we spent at university (which we now have to pay back).
Add to that a veritable fat suit, but under our skin, and it’s hard to feel good about life despite all we’ve accomplished.
However, lucky for me, I have a job. I earned my first real, substantial pay cheque on Friday, so on Tuesday I’m going to join Curves. It’s the only gym within walking distance of my dad’s house and, honestly, I hate traditional gyms.
I’m not going to be calorie-counting or obsessively weighing myself, so I hope eating more responsibly and exercising a little every day will give me some more energy and, you know, a bit of weight loss would be a plus too.
Tags: body image, university, weight
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